Ugghh

The SICKEST thing happened to me the other day.
So, I was at my favorite place in the entire world, Albertson's, and I was cleaning up for the night. They have the apex of trash compactors, so big it resides in a wall. The entrance to it is practically above my head. I heaved, I ho'ed, and hoisted a gigantic bag of trash up and through the hole in the wall, but not quick enough to escape what happened next. A drop, a single drop (or it could have been several drops that congregated to form one large one) dripped down the plastic from whence it was conceived, and LANDED IN MY EYE. That's right, garbage juice, in my eye opened wide in surprise. My eye's natural defenses of course, were of no use, as watering tends to spread the filth throughout. So now i have one tainted eye, and half my brain sees everything in a dirtier light.
This experience goes right up there on my list of choice Albertson's accomplishments including:
-Getting in a fight with an old lady. I do not exaggerate, she told me she was 88 in the midst of our argument
-Having the general manager comment on how dirty my uniform was
-Still not washing the said uniform.
-My manager asking me to turn my apron around, because it was too dirty to be seen by the general public, more than once.
-Complaining about how much i wanted candy, until my assistant manager bought me a bag. Embarrassing, but worth it, right? wrong! she bought those hershey cookies and cream bars, who even likes those. why do they even make those. I had to choke them down to please her.
-Cutting myself on the slicer, they told me they'd NEVER had someone do that.
-Cutting myself again, the very next day.
-Still not washing my uniform
-Having the store manager bring the little employee pep meetings back to the deli, because i had missed it (intentionally) so many times. He wanted to make sure i was included.
Oh the joys that are grocery.

and the crazy ensues.

oh the deli. these are actual instructions i read in a pamphlet. ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS.
if you see a pest (mouse, rat, or fly) enter the workplace, contact your manager immediately.
and i fully intend to do so. every fly the comes into the deli will have me running up front to let the manager know there is a pest rampage happening in the workplace.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Recently I have acquired a position at a local deli, ok a corporate deli.
Their motto is "crazy about food". Well they have one thing right, they are definitely crazy.
We started with the basics, training videos. Everyone knows that training videos are corny, but this place went above and beyond the expectancy level. At one point a lady exclaimed to a worker (in the video)-you have astounded me with your wealth of knowledge. I couldn't help it, I started laughing and laughing. The worst part is, no one else thought it was weird. The other trainees were riveted! As I laughed I looked around like, "come now, you can't be serious. right?" they all shifted awkwardly in their seats as if to apologize for my raucous behavior.
Next up was online training, you know the type, listening to a lot of boring videos and answering questions afterwards.
I settled in for the long haul, and was pleasantly surprised when I found out that whoever created the videos was a weirdo. Point in case, an actual instruction from the video: when you are cleaning up the deli, make sure you pick up debris from the floor. Napkins, gloves, toothpicks, grapes, and other items that might be in the way. GRAPES? What in tarnation! I can only assume that lately there has been an excess of grape dropping, subsequently resulting in grape squashing, that is simply unacceptable. So unacceptable in fact that they decided to put it in the online training videos. This way, they can nip this grape problem in the bud.
And the last is, my manager. He said something so funny that it is blog-worthy. He was giving the troops a pep talk, when an epiphany hit him. He stopped, and inserted in the repartee-we shouldn't be saying customer service anymore. We should be saying customer satisfaction, because we want them to be thoroughly satisfied. And I could only think-yes thoroughly satisfied is much better than being thoroughly serviced. I still wish I had said it out loud. Ok so what he said wasn't that funny, I just wanted an excuse to put something funny I thought in. done, and done.

The Ducat

Oh what, you don't have a friend with a Ducati who drives you to cool waterfalls, and then takes pictures of you at the tippy top? (I really am up there, in a green shirt, look close)

old, new. borrowed, blue--or just a lot of new things

moving out is hard, so to help myself cope i've gotten some new things. are you even ready for this?


The Jag. I cried tears when I got this baby-and I do not cry.


Jack "the piglet" White. Even though he died on me the VERY FIRST DAY I GOT HIM, 200 dollars and some stress wrinkles later, he got me all the way to Portland!


Speaking of which, Portland. My new city.


Someone has to help pay rent.


Our new apartment. It's like living in fairyland, only better, because I'm the fairy.


AlumiBuddy. Oh, little AlumiBuddy.


It was a good deal!


The Memoir.


Wait for it....


Oh, it's an 8mp camera too. It's not a big deal.

dine and dash

another serving adventure:
it was almost closing time(5 minutes to 9), and i was raring to go. everything was cleaned, my sidework was done, all that was left to do was count my money and run like heck.
then, the table walked in. and asked to be sat. it was my turn.
i sat them a little begrudgingly, and told them i would return in a few minutes to receive their order.
as soon as i walked into the back i started ranting and raving about how rude it was to come in before close, asking me to just stop my whole life (and plans) for them. and i really was pretty mad.
later i returned to the table with their drinks and food, very graciously i might add, the only man at the table (obviously the one who would be paying) asked me if i would like to deliver their check right now, in case i had plans. my mind: red alert, red alert, they heard you talking about them! quick, think of something!
i just chuckled and said oh no! what're you talking about? i'm here for you...i don't have anywhere to be! his reply: are you sure? my rebuttle:oh yes, yes. and i hightailed it to the back. five minutes later i sheepishly asked how they were doing, and if there was anything i could do? the man was ready for me: actually, yes. could you bring the check? we forgot we have to be somewhere...
slick old man, very slick.
they left me a twenty percent tip. he wins this battle.

brooke, the dog.

i went swimming at my friend's house earlier, and it just so happens that her black lab is named brooke. what. the. heck. that is a human name. she kept calling her and whistling for her and i kept looking over at her, just to have her say i was talking to the dog. and once i caught her snapping and whistling at me--and she promptly said, i got confused.