when you gotta go, you gotta go

i was at the DMV today, taking my driver's ed test (the second time, don't worry, i passed -phew-) and I really had to go to the bathroom. This actually happens quite frequently, i drink a lot of water? so... anyway, i paused my test taking hustled to the front and asked the man at the counter if they had a public restroom i could utilize. ( i did NOT say it like that, geez louise) he informed me no, i said, oh alright i'll just hold it. (now i did say it like that) and it must have been the dejected look on my face, or the slight slump of my shoulders, but something made this man change his mind. He said brooke, here's what you have to do, and spit out a whole slough of directions of how to get to the bathroom which i can't even reiterate here, because i zoned out about one/eighth of the way through. i declined and went back to my station to triumphantly pass my test (82%!) and then leave the DMV. I really had to go so i stopped at the nearest hi-rise, and asked if i could use the bathroom there. the concierge looked down her ridiculously long nose (it must have been an optical illusion because i looked back later and it was normal-sized) and asked if i was seeing someone in the building. no, no, no, nothing like that ma'm. she pointed me in the direction of the fedex down the street, which i potty-danced to. It was getting closer, I couldn't find the door, i was practically holding myself in with my own hand, i got the door open, i was teetering in with legs crossed, and looked around desperately for the bathroom, the door had a lock on it, i wondered if i would need to go ask for a key, i was getting frantic, i look up, there was a fedex ad right, there. it read, "we know how you feel"
really fedex? i'd like to claim false advertising.

The Man on the Max

I would like to preface this story with where I am right now:
I'm at my school's library, typing because I have a 5 hour break between classes, but that is not the humorous part, don't worry. My school has these weird, tall computers on only one row of the lab. (they are set up on high counters) but then they have these short chairs for them. Every one on this row has opted to stand except for me, and I'm sitting ram-rod straight, my head is the heighth of the keyboard, I could literally just kiss to use the spacebar. Actually the guy next to me just looked over and laughed at me, but now he's sitting down so i guess comfort always eventually wins out. (not that this is particularly comfortable)\
so back to the story. I rode the Max (it's sorta like trax, but way better because i live in portland? so...) into work, and it was pretty jam-packed. there was an older gentleman sitting, with a chair open next to him, but he had placed his bag on it. now in my non-verbal communication class we have learned that this gesture would suggest, "give me some room" and society was listening. well, i don't always follow expectations. i marched right over to the empty seat and waited until he moved the bag. (not in a rude way, can you even imagine me rude? please!) so now this man has several things precariously perched on his lap. He was fumbling around for something, and i asked politely, "would you like me to hold something for you?" little did i know that this would invite a barrage of conversation to follow, which i would just have to type up in my blog later. he declined, continued fumbling, pulled out a new pack of gum and offered me a piece. I also declined, but he insisted and even went as far to say, "take two! you are going to fall in love with this gum, you'll need one for emergencies." i laughed jovially and took two pieces. People had started staring at us, lauging in the corner like old friends, over a piece of gum. (jealous stares, mind you)
we started talking, and i really did learn a lot about him, by the way, i'm pretty sure everyone has some weird connection to mormons, we're taking over the world.
at the end of the ride, he asked me to help him find a certain store, we exited the Max together, I pointed him in the right direction, and we parted ways. But not before he snuck in a hug. A hug!! He hugged me!
I guess people don't only think they can say whatever they want to me (just the other day a man in the mall came up to me and started talking about hospital food, and how you have to be careful about how many beans you put in your burrito, because they weigh the food at the end of the line, and that can really jack up the price. I nodded in agreement, and said "that's the WORST" knowingly) but they can apparently touch me now, too.
I actually kinda liked it, he was just some nice guy, making my life a little better.

I make every job fun!

i'm all grown up, with a real job and everything!
but don't worry, this job can't change who i am, i wouldn't let it!
case in point:
i was hurry hurrying to work, in the rain.
the little red hand was flashing: stop. stop. stop.
i had a small debate in my hand.
i continued across the street.
i was about 1/3 the way across the street,
the heel of my shoe got stuck in between two bricks
my momentum (i was practically running) propelled my foot out of the shoe
and onto the cold, wet street, at LEAST two steps.
i screamed: ahh! i lost my shoe! and turned around to pry it out of the ground.
bear in mind that i wasn't even supposed to be crossing the street!
cars were laughing at me, blatantly.

Christmas, Alive and Well

Me and Jamie really know how to celebrate a holiday, my first real tree! we just went to a shady parking lot business, bought a tree, tied it to a car, bought some sprite, and drove home. Why are we so cool? We were born this way.

The In-Between.

Let me take you on a journey.
My day started off normal. Me, waking up on the floor of my apartment at roughly 10 or 11 in the morning to Jamie getting ready for work. Making Jamie breakfast (hash browns and eggs) which I ended up eating because she didn't have time, cleaning, doing the dishes, watching some tv online, you know, it's how I do.
Little did I know that these events would lead up to a fun and awkward infused day.
I left for work in my car, and that's where the trouble started. As I drove down the road I started noticing more and more motorcycles lining the sides of the street, and the two lane road began to narrow and narrow until it became a one lane road. What did I do you ask? I just kept driving! Turning around did not cross my mind once, strike one reflexes-strike one. Keep in mind there were motorcycles on the side of the road. A lot of them. and out of the corner of my eye one single cycle caught my eye. "Parade Enforcer" a sign attached to the front of it read. And that's when it started. all the cycles took off and somehow I had gotten caught up in the middle  There were motorcycles to the front, to the back, on each side. And my lonely car was chugging along right with them. I had become part of the parade. It gets better, there were people on watching the parade and I can only imagine what they were thinking. Some white cheerleader car among all these choppers and harleys? Has someone told this girl that she is in a car? Does she realize that this is a parade? no ok, no!
And my day only got more interesting, I stopped off at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. After I had paid up and made light conversation with the man in the white jacket and several other pharmacy-goers, the pharmacist handed me my medicine and simply stated, "you enjoy that." now i can see how that would be slightly amusing if I had picked up say pain killers, but it was antibiotics, and not even antibiotics because i was sick. I'd seen this guy once a month for the last six months. I said the only thing that came to mind, "you don't have to tell me twice!"
and the icing on the cake. when i arrived at work, I took one last glance in the rearview to make sure I looked presentable. well, I didn't. The remnants of my lunch remained on my lip. peanut butter, peanuts included. the whole parade experience? the pharmacy situation? all were made that much better because the world could finally physically witness how much i love peanut butter.

now, i know i share a lot of albertson's stories, but this one is sure to be a crowd pleaser. I had finished up helping a customer in his pursuit of deli meat ecstasy, and asked, "is there anything else I can do for you?" and he answered without so much a hesitation, "yes, please do not get hit by a drunk driver." and walked away. I guess i'll try my hardest?

Ugghh

The SICKEST thing happened to me the other day.
So, I was at my favorite place in the entire world, Albertson's, and I was cleaning up for the night. They have the apex of trash compactors, so big it resides in a wall. The entrance to it is practically above my head. I heaved, I ho'ed, and hoisted a gigantic bag of trash up and through the hole in the wall, but not quick enough to escape what happened next. A drop, a single drop (or it could have been several drops that congregated to form one large one) dripped down the plastic from whence it was conceived, and LANDED IN MY EYE. That's right, garbage juice, in my eye opened wide in surprise. My eye's natural defenses of course, were of no use, as watering tends to spread the filth throughout. So now i have one tainted eye, and half my brain sees everything in a dirtier light.
This experience goes right up there on my list of choice Albertson's accomplishments including:
-Getting in a fight with an old lady. I do not exaggerate, she told me she was 88 in the midst of our argument
-Having the general manager comment on how dirty my uniform was
-Still not washing the said uniform.
-My manager asking me to turn my apron around, because it was too dirty to be seen by the general public, more than once.
-Complaining about how much i wanted candy, until my assistant manager bought me a bag. Embarrassing, but worth it, right? wrong! she bought those hershey cookies and cream bars, who even likes those. why do they even make those. I had to choke them down to please her.
-Cutting myself on the slicer, they told me they'd NEVER had someone do that.
-Cutting myself again, the very next day.
-Still not washing my uniform
-Having the store manager bring the little employee pep meetings back to the deli, because i had missed it (intentionally) so many times. He wanted to make sure i was included.
Oh the joys that are grocery.

and the crazy ensues.

oh the deli. these are actual instructions i read in a pamphlet. ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS.
if you see a pest (mouse, rat, or fly) enter the workplace, contact your manager immediately.
and i fully intend to do so. every fly the comes into the deli will have me running up front to let the manager know there is a pest rampage happening in the workplace.